The Business and Merchandise of Marriage
Hey there, Due Daniels here, and what I’m doing in this series is sharing a concept I call Business and Merchandise, which is to understand the business and merchandise of marriage and gender relationships.
What you’ll find in this series are stories. The stories follow my old college friend, Biz, and his wife Mercedes’s marriage, with commentary and pieces of advice of wisdom we all have learned along the way. The reason Biz isn’t telling the story is because I’m a writer and he’s not! I hope these entertain and edify your marriage. Let’s go!
A friend and mentor of mine named, Leo, once told our crew that we’re not really in a relationship until we’ve been hit on the head with a frying pan by our lady.
Background on Leo.
Leo is straight hood. He’s the guy Lupe Fiasco, Kendrick Lamar, Talib Kweli, and Mos Def hung around in their hoods, but didn’t get into Leo type activities; gang banging. Leo has his volatile ups and downs with his relationship, but he’ll call you to tell you how to handle yours. “Slap the witch,” he once told me, or “Witches ain’t crap, Due, you just gotta move on!” The crew laughs at Leo’s stories and humor, but we don’t dare take his advice.
Leo said our woman doesn’t really love us unless she has fought hard against our manly ways of desiring to be with every female who gives us a smile and time of day. I laughed his comments off until my buddy Biz (my right-hand man) was knocked across the head with a frying pan. I was shocked, Biz is one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.
After that event, Biz didn’t know if he was confused because he had been whacked across the head, or if what Leo said to us came back into memory. Because when Biz was whacked across the head, Biz started to feel that his wife was really fighting for him and their marriage. He thought she had to knock some sense back into him.
Mercedes is the kindest person you’d ever meet, that is until you rub her rhubarb. She can go from Beyonce Knowles to Sasha Fierce in 0.2 seconds.
I don’t know what she was thinking when she whacked my man Biz. Perhaps she thought by slamming a frying pan across his head he would shift back into the program and get his right mind together (like people use to do on the old-school TV sets).
Nevertheless, Biz has been a good boy ever since, and I’m here to tell you guys (and gals reading), Biz’s story. You’re not really in a marriage/relationship unless you’ve been whacked across the head with a frying pan. For ladies, you’re not really in one until you have been choked out… Or shoved across the room like a rag doll! So put the tablet down a moment, and go get your whack or shove, and then let’s get to the real action!
Don’t really do that!!!!!
I’m only kidding. Fighting in relationships and claiming love behind it, is one of the biggest fallacies ever introduced into the concept of relationships. The real thing is that people who fight in relationships appear to be fighting for love.
They have a lot of anger, from their past, and even their present. When the “one person” they thought was supposed to love them deeply, does not show or express that love, the anger takes over.
This anger can be expressed in many cruel ways; the frying pan is just one, but the goal or idea of this series is to present healthy ideas to couples who feel their marriage has gone flat, gone sour, or is pretty much over; and they want out (but don’t really).
Before you leave, we have to get back to the basics. Now according to Biz, the basics are to ask yourself a certain question, and your answer will help explain. The question is – why in God’s world did you ever want to get married in the first place? Not to your spouse, but to get married, period!
Once you can answer that question without any emotion, meaning just logically and natural – why did you want to get married – it will help you understand where your marriage is, where it originated from, and how to maintain it.
This series will help you really answer that question!
The next question you should ask yourself is, why in the world did you want to get married to your particular spouse. Most people can’t answer that question completely. Besides, some of the things they hear on TV, such as, “her smile” or “there was just something about him or her”, etc.
When the response is not a well written out phrase like an elevator pitch, then perhaps you are not putting much thought into the marriage.
This may come as a surprise and a shock to couples because it clearly shows they are just moving on feeling – emotional feelings when they decide to marry. Feelings of happiness, joy, and love that often change like underwear. If you take a listen to what most people say about their spouse, you will hear things like:
“He or she makes me laugh.”
“I feel good when I’m around him or her”
“They understand me, this is my baby.”
And so forth and so forth …
The reality is there are countless people you can feel good around and countless people who can understand you (all you have to do is talk to a few people). There is also a lot of people out there who can make you laugh (comedians do it all the time). There should be more to why you married your spouse.
Digging deep and writing out that phrase, that sentence, that elevator pitch of why you married your wife (or wives, why did you marry your husband) will help you out immensely, especially with clarity.
The same goes for those not at the stage of marriage, but feel as if they are getting closer. Ask, why you’re dating your current boyfriend or girlfriend. This crucial question brings clarity to your situation.
Let’s talk about Biz for a moment. Biz recounted that he married his wife for two emotional reasons. One, he was physically attracted to her. Two, she had a look in her eyes that said it all, “I’m the one.” How could he fight that?
Nevertheless, after the beauty his wife possesses and her cultural background, which is aligned with his cultural background, he figured she would be a good spouse. Biz was around 22 years of age when he was making this decision, which is a big red flag.
Even worse, as we’ll learn later, Mercedes barely graduated from her teenage years at age 19. It gets worse, Biz didn’t consult with any elders prior to deciding to marry and he didn’t even consult His Creator; red flag number four. No wonder a frying pan splatter across his head.
The Yin and Yang Complex
To dig deeper, Biz had to find out more of her personality. As an individual, if you met Biz, you’d conclude that he is a very tender hearted, humble guy – very compassionate at the core.
It got to the point where Biz was out of control. If he had $20 in his pocket and needed five dollars to catch the train home, he’d have a problem. If 20 homeless people asked Biz for a dollar each, he would give all $20 away, then wonder how he was going to get home.
Some people say, sucker, I say overly compassionate (I’m his friend).
His wife is not like that at all. She will ignore all of those homeless guys like they were invisible. Maybe, just maybe, she’d give the last person a dollar as she gets on the train. And she’d do that just to make herself feel good. She’s a real tough cookie. She’s the cookie that was left on a kitchen counter for 20 years in an old abandoned building.
Yeah, she’s that Tough! How they linked up still confuses me today. However, I do see they complement each other very well, especially when they learned how.
Biz is a very patient person…
If Biz didn’t marry someone like Mercedes, he would be bleeding today helping everybody in the world for free. Also, Biz is a very patient person, but his frustration does build up and can be unleashed pretty harshly.
Prior to gaining control of his emotions, Biz would have wild emotional outbursts, they would be seldom, nevertheless, they’d be wild.
Biz’s wife, on the other hand, is someone who is not as patient. She has outbursts of anger or correction as she likes to call it, more regularly. Because of this, they balance each other so that Biz can better express himself when he’s angry, and Mercedes can practice having more patience with herself when she gets angry.
This has helped their continuity very well. When they are out and about, at times Mercedes plays the bad cop and Biz plays his normal good cop self. They work well together.
Another issue in why you’d marry someone is the money. Biz could not save money even if it was taken out of his paycheck. And put in the safety deposit box with two 8 foot Goliath guards guarding the box for and against him, without him knowing. Biz would find a way to spend the saved money because he would eventually find where it was.
His wife is not like that. She is a saver and an investor. She is financially organized and that is why Biz is not somewhere homeless and is even alive financially right now. Biz has made money in his profession and with business ventures; however, he’s managed to spend much of his money from his businesses.
His financial habits have frequently landed himself flat broke. Biz recalls having to hit me and even his wife Mercedes for $50 here, and $100 there. It would happen so often, he probably owes us $10K each today.
Bad Money Habits Hurting Your Marriage?
If it were not for his wife, he would be on the streets telling his warfare stories to bums and anyone who would listen. He’d be there instead of retelling them to me in a professional setting. These are just some of the reasons why Biz is married.
Biz knows he has a good connection with Mercedes. He knows she’s beautiful, and through understanding the concept of Business and Merchandise, which you’re going to learn in this series, he knows he can’t fully function without her.
Are You in Good Hands?
If you don’t know why you married your spouse outside of her beauty or his smile, a good connection, his or her financial stability, etc., then you need to take some time to identify these things. You want to know you’re in good hands and know why. A slogan is not a good enough reason to buy a product; the fine print is.
When you know why you married your spouse, it will make you appreciate him or her more and fight to keep the agreement you have taken together, to last forever. This is what I hope this story of Biz and Mercedes marriage, will do for you and your spouse. There is a business here, and we’ll get more into sharing the business and merchandise of marriage in future posts.
Thank you for joining us today. It’s always a pleasure to have you. MarriageandCounseling.com is a resource for helping relationships and marriages mend, if necessary, and thrive.
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