Statistically speaking, nearly sixty percent of marriages fail. Many couples are looking into ways to avoid becoming that statistic. Although some marriages cannot be fixed, many can.  It takes dedication and determination on the part of both the husband and the wife to help save their marriage, regardless of what the underlying problems are or who is at fault.

The following are some effective tips to help save marriage.  However, for these to work, both the husband and wife must be committed to following these guidelines and work together to solve their differences.

1. Communicate. This is absolutely essential for making a marriage work and last.  You both must clearly state how you feel, your opinions, your wants and needs to each other.  By discovering what each of you feel is wrong in your marriage, you can work towards a solution.

2. Keep calm. When you are having problems in your marriage it is easy to get upset. Try to approach your problems with a level head and voice. Being hurtful or disrespectful to your spouse will not help the situation.

3. Compromise. It takes two in a marriage, so both of your views must be respected. If you give a little, you may get a lot and be happier.

4. Set goals. Goals give you direction. Make sure to set goals in your marriage that reflect both of your views and determine what you both need to do to get there.

5. Be patient. It takes time to work on problems in a marriage. Make sure that you are patient with your spouse as well as with yourself as you work towards fixing problems. Rushing to fix things can have an adverse effect.

6. Forgive and forget. Depending on your situation, this can be difficult, especially if your partner was unfaithful. If you want to save your marriage in spite of their infidelity, you will have to try and forgive them so that you can work together to preserve your marriage. Forgetting about what they have done may not be easy either. If you want to move on, it is essential that you are not dwelling on the past. Focus on the here and now and what you can both can do today to make your marriage better.

7. Get counseling. If you cannot work out your differences, counseling can help.  A good counselor can help you with guidance, support, encouragement and give you unbiased views that can give you insight on how to correct the problems in your marriage. They can help you find the right solutions and methods based on what is best for you as a couple for the problems that are being faced.

It is very important that you both agree to counseling and intend to take an active role in your sessions for counseling to be an effective tool for help in your marriage. When choosing a counselor, make sure that they are licensed professionals and that you feel comfortable working with them.

Are you considering getting back together with your ex boyfriend?  The idea probably seems quite exciting, especially if both of you are remembering all of the good times that you had together.  But you should definitely do some serious thinking before you and your boyfriend decide to get back together.

Many couples do successfully reunite and end up with very strong relationships after a break-up.  However, some couples end up getting back together for the wrong reasons or without fully dealing with the factors that led to the dissolution of the relationship.  If you want your rejuvenated relationship to be a success, make sure that you first take the time to consider the following issues:

• Old wounds need to be healed.

In other words, there was some reason why you and your boyfriend broke up in the first place; has this issue been resolved?  If not, it is likely that your relationship may fail again.  You and your boyfriend must find a way to either deal with the problems that led to the break-up or you must jointly decide that the break-up issues are no longer conflicts.  It isn’t enough to simply have regrets about the relationship and how it ended; things must change.

• Let go of old expectations.

If you and your boyfriend decide to give the relationship another try, you will need to learn to treat it as a new relationship–not as an extension of your old one.  This doesn’t mean that you need to completely start fresh; however, you do need to rebuild trust and friendship.  You will need to reassess your goals as a couple and work on creating a new life together.

• Don’t let emotions make decisions about reuniting or about the new relationship.

Of course it can feel quite thrilling to talk again with your ex, and you both may be feeling the euphoria of falling for each other once again.  Yet allowing those feelings to control whether you and your boyfriend get back together could be a mistake.  You both need to think rationally about how a new relationship would be–without letting the floods of emotion overcome you.  Similarly, when making decisions about the new relationship, it is best to do so calmly and with sensible and reasonable thought.  If either of you allow emotions to cloud your judgment, you may come to regret it later on.

If you really want to get back together with your boyfriend, make sure that you and he are both really ready for another try at the relationship.  By doing so, you could end up saving yourself a great deal of heartache if, for some reason, the relationship does not fare well again.

It may seem quite easy to believe that your boyfriend has changed because of your great desire to reignite the relationship; however, if it isn’t actually true you will just be setting yourself up for failure.  Instead, set yourself up for success by being honest with your boyfriend and making sure that the two of you do not follow the same path that led to your first break-up.

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Things aren’t going well, but you don’t want divorce to end your relationship. What can you do? If you don’t want divorce there are three specific things you can do to stop it.

These tips won’t work in every situation—some relationships are too far gone. But most relationships start having troubles long before they reach this point, thankfully.

When you don’t want divorce but your partner does, try being quiet for a while.Just don’t say anything. Stop complaining. The worst thing you can do is to carry on about how you don’t want to get divorced.

You can let your partner know that you don’t want the divorce. And that’s about all you can do. Perhaps you could reassure them that couples go through this kind of thing all the time and are still together today. Just don’t do it more than once.

If you carry on and carry on about how you want to stay together, you’ll probably just annoy your partner, making it less likely for him to be open to the idea of staying together. The whole point is to make yourself extra desirable to your partner again.

It’s unlikely he or she finds you particularly desirable when you’re complaining and whining about inconsequential things. That tendency to complain and even nag may have had something to do with why the relationship broke up in the first place, remember.

You want to show your very best side to your partner at all times. When you started dating this person, you were probably on your own very best behavior. Everyone does that to win a mate’s heart. Then as things start to stagnate a little because the mate is won and there’s no need to compete with others anymore, the tendency to whine and complain begins.

Stop this immediately and go back to your very best “going to win them” courting behavior. That is often such a switch from the way things were in the beginning, that it seems almost too good to be true.

Going hand in hand with taking care not to complain or nag is learning to simply be agreeable. We tend to take our partner for granted and when he or she suggests something we’re not happy with, we make it known. If we do that too often it can start to seem to our partner that they can’t do or say anything right!

If you don’t want divorce then learn to agree with your partner even when you don’t want to. That might sound a little extreme, but you’re in rescue mode right now. You just want to do everything you can to save the marriage. It doesn’t’ mean that you’ll never be able to disagree with them for the rest of your life.

You need to learn to not whine, to agree and to do it all with a smile on your face. If you don’t want divorce you’ll have to do these things for at least a little while.

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Steve and Pamela love each other dearly, yet they have been fighting over the same issue almost every night for the 17 years that they have been married: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Steve going around the house closing all the windows.

Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.

—(curtain up)—
Pamela: (to Steve) “I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate.”

Steve: (to Pamela):”This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!”
(curtain down)

IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.

In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Steve and Pamela, this unfortunately was the case.

Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:

(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.

(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.

For instance, it turns out that Pamela literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.

CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Steve and Pamela could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)

Pamela (should have said something like):”I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish.”

Steve (should have said something like):”I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to work it out so that it doesn’t make us so angry at each other.”

Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:

FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS

Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.

Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.

Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!

Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.

When it comes to counseling, the one that is most called upon is marriage counseling. Marriage and counseling, out of every twenty couples, 17 of them have undergone some form of relationship counseling. With good reason too, since relationships tend to be counter intuitive. Counselors who specialize in marriage have helped couples to live happier and more fulfilled relationships.

To dispel the myths surrounding marriage counseling, it is important to know that it is not about winning or losing or placing blame. The central focus of the counseling is to develop the communication skills needed to learn from your partner and balance your needs with theirs. Blame only helps to alienate and push your partner away. A lot of the problems that cause us to pull our hair out are in fact nothing that is worth getting too angry about, but it takes an outside party to realize it.

Marriage counseling also puts both into a controlled environment where they can vent and get everything out in a safe way. The counselor sets the guidelines and rules that force and enable civilized discussion. Now that is not to say that what works for one couple will work for another. Some couples need a mediator, someone who just listens on the side. This counselor will set guidelines for communication, allowing the couple to talk things out themselves.

Other couples need someone who will guide the discussion. Attempts to work things out on their own will often degrade into yelling matches and bare knuckle arguments. Relationship counseling here aims to guide the conversation and not let it get out of hand or uncontrollable. Over all, there is a variety of couples who will need an equally variable number of counselors. Despite this, counseling is statistically certain to improve your relationship.

One of the things that needs to be learned is to identify and address the issues that threaten relationships. Unfortunately, the emotions and stress that plagues relationships make it especially difficult to identify those issues. That is what marriage counseling is made to do. Counseling will identify the unique problems that prevents a couple from communicating, address the problems that are there and bring the couple to a place that will allow them to thrive.

You may think that your relationship will not be helped by marriage counseling. However, what should be kept in mind is that what is good for a relationship is not always something that would seem logical. Counseling can only be a help to relationships. It enables the free flow of information and communication so that problems existing below the surface can be discovered and addressed.

If you are one of the three out of twenty who can find happiness without entering marriage counseling, then more power to you. You have found something that enables you to communicate and discuss your problems, you are well ahead of the curve. But if you are one of the 17 out of twenty, then you will find that marriage counseling will improve the quality and happiness in your partnership.

If you are having problems in your relationship and would like some good down to earth, common sense advice but for some reason can not get to a marriage counselor. I strongly recommend that you get hold of the book The Magic Of Making Up by T.W. (T-Dub) Jackson. He has already helped over 6,000 other couples and I’m sure you will find that he can help you too.