WITH Marriage and counseling you can win your love back. It slipped away before you had a chance to realize what was happening. It seems like everything happened so quickly, like a tornado that came out of nowhere and destroyed everything that the two of you had worked so hard at building. The results were devastating. Now you are left walking through the rubble trying to find out if there is anything worth saving. To win your love back is going to be a huge challenge.

To try and win your love back, first look to see if there is anything able to be salvaged. Look through all that remains, take a hard look at everything and see the damage that was done. It could be that the damage due to the break up was too much and there really isn’t anything left to save. Hopefully, this is not the case but, unfortunately, it is true many times.

Also take a critical look at everything and see if trying to win your love back is even something that you want to even try and do. Even with marriage and counseling, winning your love back is going to be hard work and you just went through an exhausting time in your life.

Does it make sense to try and put these pieces of the failed romance and/or marriage back together? Will you just be banging your head against the wall? Do they even want to try and work with you or even want to win your love back? Ask yourself these hard questions. It could save you a lot of added and unnecessary grief.

Now, once you have decided that it is worth it to try and win your love back, clean up. Get rid of all the things that cluttered up your life and made it difficult. This is a great chance to go in and take only what was good about your love and leave behind the bad stuff. If there was something that complicated things between the two of you, leave it behind. You really need to focus your energy on building on the more solid foundations of your love.

What was it that made your love special? What were the best things about your love? What was it that made it special and really makes you want to win your love back? Focus on these things and use them as the cornerstone and foundation of winning your love back.

One mistake that many make when they want to rebuild a relationship is that they try and rebuild it exactly the way it was before it started falling apart. The truth is, if it wasn’t strong enough to withstand the storms that came the first time, it won’t be strong the next time. Try to build it better than it was before. Don’t live in the past, build on the good things and leave behind the things that made what you have weak enough to be destroyed. Win your love back and make it stronger than ever before.

Steve and Pamela love each other dearly, yet they have been fighting over the same issue almost every night for the 17 years that they have been married: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Steve going around the house closing all the windows.

Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.

—(curtain up)—
Pamela: (to Steve) “I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate.”

Steve: (to Pamela):”This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!”
(curtain down)

IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.

In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Steve and Pamela, this unfortunately was the case.

Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:

(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.

(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.

For instance, it turns out that Pamela literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.

CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Steve and Pamela could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)

Pamela (should have said something like):”I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish.”

Steve (should have said something like):”I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to work it out so that it doesn’t make us so angry at each other.”

Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:

FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS

Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.

Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.

Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!

Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.

Many people who need marriage and counseling help take their search for answers to their problems where they take their searches for everything else – online. But is it possible to find marriage help through an Internet search engine the way you search for Persian rugs, hip boots or camping equipment?

The answer is simple: sure!

Use your favorite search engine and type in the words “marriage help” or “marriage and counseling”. You’ll find a plethora of sites offering information, articles, and other resources. Using the Internet as an initial search for marriage help may bring some matters to your attention that you had not thought of previously. Maybe you are married to an alcoholic and did not know there were Al-anon and Al-ateen meetings in your area until you found them listed online.

While the Internet can be a good source of information, make sure you research your problem and verify the abilities and credentials of anyone who offers marriage advice. It’s like any other business you might do online. You just need to be a smart, well informed consumer.

Be cautious of paying anyone who poses as an online counselor. Before spending any money on products or services “guaranteed” to help your marriage, do the necessary research into the company who is making the promises. For instance, if a person says he or she is a counselor in a particular state, make the extra step and investigate his or her qualifications and verify whether the counselor is currently licenses. If you are having marriage problems, the last thing you want is to take advice from someone not licensed to give you advice.

If you can identify specific problems you are having in your marriage, do a search for those online. You will find specific marriage and counseling information related to your specific problem. The Internet is a great place to learn about assistance available to victims of domestic abuse, alcohol and drug abuse and many other situations that can be helpful as you search for marriage help.

Just remember to be a smart consumer. Read all you can about your particular issues and marriage problems. Here are two books that approach the situation from different angles. You will get a lot of help from either one or both Saving Your Marriage and The Magic Of Making Up. Knowledge is power and you must be strong to work through the relationship issues you are having with your spouse..

Marriage and counseling can be a huge help to you in times of grief. Saving your marriage from failing after a disastrous and catastrophic event has taken place may seem like a hard thing to do, but it can be done. There are many times when something horrible has happened in the life of a couple that the stress ends up being too much to bear. These are times it is important to know how to save your marriage.

The need to know how to save your marriage can come as a result of something in the marriage or relationship falling apart as the two struggle to deal with what has happened. Many times it happens after the death of a loved one or especially a child. Sometimes it will happen after a wreck. Maybe it was because of some natural disaster or an act of hatred by some unknown entity. It could be because of illness to one of you or anything else that happened that caused your world to fall apart.

There are some very important things that you need to know to save your marriage from ending. You need to understand that people act and react differently to events. The most obvious is the differences between how men and women typically deal with things. Some people repress feelings while others are more outward and more obvious in their grieving. Understanding this and accepting it will help go a long way in knowing how to save a marriage. Don’t expect your loved one to react the same way that you do.

Another thing that you need to know is that grief often brings out the worse in people and negative traits are often exaggerated. Patience is needed in understanding why some very negative changes take place in their personalities. You have to be able to see those changes taking place in yourself. Don’t excuse the behavior and don’t let harmful behaviors ruin things more but understand what is happening.

In both of the above marriage counseling is needed. Marriage counselors will usually be very adept at helping couples struggling through these times. Whether it is a Christian marriage or any other, there are places and people you can go to that will help you and the one you love get through this.

Here are some suggestions that will help you get through this time:

~ Commit to each other that you are going to get through this together. Be a team fully supporting each other and understanding each other. When one is particularly weak at one point, be there for them and help shoulder the load. Ask that the same be done for you.

~ Grow your support team. Find close friends and family that will help you through this. There is no reason that the two of you should go through this alone. Find a network or a group of people who have gone through similar things. There is strength in numbers.

~ Find a reason to laugh again. Watch a silly sitcom on TV or some stupid funny movie. Watch one of those funny home movie shows for some good laughs. Spend time with fun loving people who you have a good time with. Laughing will make you feel better and gives you a break from the weight you carry.

When you have suffered greatly, it doesn’t mean that the marriage has to come to an end. With the help of marriage and counseling it can even be made stronger. I also have a very affordable book that will help, you can download it from here Saving Your Marriage.

Marriage and counseling myths. An unfortunate by-product of our insulated culture is that therapy, including counseling, is seen as a sign of weakness or that a relationship has turned sour. This does not have to be the case- in fact, many marriage relationships that are strong can benefit from the services a professional counselor can offer.

Marriage and counseling, there are a few stages in marriages, and counseling can be extremely important in each of them. The first stage is the time before the couple actually gets married, after the decision to take the big step has been made. Good counseling at this time can help the couple to anticipate areas of conflict that may arise when the actual event takes place. Couples who have not previously lived together may not be fully prepared for what it means to have another person live in your life 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It is critical that these couples be prepared for the challenges that face them, form the dividing of the household and other workloads to issues that will come up when it comes to finances, sex, and free time. Couples that have lived together might also find some pre-marital counseling beneficial, as the actual process of marriage seems to alter the expectations of the relationship in many different ways. Above all, counseling before marriage can help a couple identify potential trouble spots within the relationship that may be exacerbated once the commitment has been made.

Marriage and counseling facts. Counseling over the course of the marriage can also help to strengthen the relationship as well as identify potential areas of conflict before they boil over into larger fights. A counselor is trained to hear what the people speaking are saying, while partners in a marriage will inevitably filter out some of the other person’s message, no matter how clearly they believe they are putting it forward. An attentive counselor can therefore be expected to have the ability to head trouble off at the pass.

Marriages will also experience considerable upheaval with the arrival of a new baby, and in fact the family dynamic can be expected to change with the arrival of each subsequent child. A counselor will again have the background to enable him to identify potential trouble spots and the education to offer problem solutions so that the couple does not find their relationship ambushed in a time of upheaval.

Regardless of your feelings on the strength of your relationship, good marriage counseling is a great option just to make sure that the lines of communication stay open. Even people who are hopelessly in love may not realize that their partner does not have the same impression of a situation that the individual is experiencing. A counselor will help to identify and clarify these areas, and offer solutions to keep them from arising in the future.

When thinking of marriage and counseling, remember that counseling is not a sign of weakness. It does not even mean that there are necessarily problems within your relationship; instead, it may just be another tool to keep your relationship at its very best.